November 11, 2004

  My first day with this whole website thing. I'll make a strong attempt at keeping up with this journal section. I think it'll be interesting to see how this whole disease progresses.  Sometimes looking for patterns can be incredibly helpful.  By identifying patterns, maybe it'll be possible to change some of the more destructive ones. I hope.

  I have the day off, no class. I have little things to do, projects to maintain, and so on. My days off scare me sometimes. When I have a million things to do and I'm running from place to place, I am destracted fromt the whole ED and depression, but the second I get to sit down it all comes flooding back over me. You can only run so fast for so long before your life makes you examine the things you do. Yikes.

November 12, 2004

  Last night the boyfriend and I cried together. We both have a hard time with depression and sometimes it hits us at just the same time. We've been together for a year and a half now. He's amazing. We are eachother's longest relationship and I still get giddy just to think of him sometimes! He tries to be the most understanding as he possibly can with the whole eating thing. It's difficult for me when he wants a full dinner together and all I want is to skip it all together. It's difficult to try to get people to understand the "rules" you have put on yourself to maintain your disorder.  I hate the rules, but for some reason I tend to keep them around.

  I think I'm hosting a get-together at my apartment this weekend with some girls from my classes. They don't know all about ED. The general subject has been brought up, but I managed to get the topic changed to something else like I always do. I like these girls a lot and one may even be my roomate next year. I just don't know if I should tell them. When do you tell your new friends about this? 

November 14, 2004

  It's been an incredibly depressing and disappointing weekend. Every possible plan that I had with multiple people ALL fell through.  Even my boyfriend went home this weekend and isn't returning till late tonight (Sunday). It's so easy to feel so alone here in the city anyway and then to add to that this extreme disappointment! I'm frustrated and sad that it's like I didn't matter enough to people this weekend. I know all of it wasn't intentional, but it hurts none-the-less.  It's like no one wants to play with you. You feel like the biggest loser. I use to not even leave myself open for this much hurt and possibility.  For almost three years I kept locked up in my room entirely by choice. I was so scared of going out and being with people.  I was so afraid of just what happened this weekend. I can't really think productively today. All I want to do is run away. How bout anyone else?